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Reasons to Grow a Sweet Beard

As if you need them...

• Chicks Dig Beards
  It has long been known to science that chicks dig sweet beards. In fact, as a man sporting a sweet beard, you are three million percent^* more likely to impress the ladies than someone sporting a beardless boy face.
• Wind Resistant
  Let's make one thing perfectly clear: wind is a killer^*. It strips us of our very body heat, numbing to the core that which we may hold most precious, our faces. Phrases such as "the wind literally killed my children" and "bungalow brutally burgled by blistering breezes," aren't just crazy things the elderly say to get attention. They're the Church of Pogonotrophy's official interpretations^* of life without the benefit of a sweet beard protecting one's face from earth's soul-crushing elements. Yet phrases such as "wind in your hair," or "sweet beard blowing in the wind" have noticeably more positive connotations. This is not a coincidence.
• Flavor Saving
  Rarely in today's fast paced, modern, space-age life do we have the opportunity to sit down and truly enjoy a meal. With a sweet beard and simple disregard for vigorous cleanup after eating, flavors can be appreciated hours after initial consumption.
• Shaving Sucks
  Man was not designed to wipe sharp objects over his face on a daily basis. Studies have indisputably proven that depression, enlarged prostate, acne, breast cancer, and gout can be directly linked^* to the act of shaving one's face. By avoiding the razor, not only will a sweet beard naturally flourish, but you will live a longer and happier life, guaranteed^*.
• Masks Grotesque Scarring
  Got grotesque scarring from 'nam? Who doesn't, am I right? Not to worry with a sweet beard. No shrapnel wounds here, just smooth satisfying hair emanating from all in-tact follicles. It's also great for the total elimination of terrifying flashbacks!^*
• Instant Recognition of Manhood
  "Compensation" is such a dirty word. "Breathtaking, amazing, stunning, thrilling, and banana" are others. Sweet beards deliver where other products simply can't^*. On time, under budget, above the limit, below the line, and around the fence, beards bring our troops home safely^*.
  
  So what are you waiting for? Create a pogonotrophist or evangelist account right now!